Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize