Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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