took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
