her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
