If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
