Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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