mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
