can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
50% drunk capacity currently
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
