he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
