i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
