remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
