I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
