I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
