how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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