yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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