The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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