the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He passed out mid-signature
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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