Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
