Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
