Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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