I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
