The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
