It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
