why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
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i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
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Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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