when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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