We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
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