When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
