My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
