I showed him my bush... on skype.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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