Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
