I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
