kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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