dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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