batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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