I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
