I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
