between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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