I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
