Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
