mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
