Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Randomize
