you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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