Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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