so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
