youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
