As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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