And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
