My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
