Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's blow job season.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
