I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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