my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
