Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
