Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
