Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
