If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
