oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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