They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
