no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Two words: nipple clamps
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