but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
